everytime i try explaining to people why i left you i just keep repeating the same thing, that i didn’t want you, that we weren’t going anywhere, that i was tired of kissing and fucking you. but holy fuck i lie through my teeth, i left you because i’ve never loved someone like i love you, it’s not a sick obsession, i dont stop my world to love you, i dont cry every night but when im doing something i imagine you being there doing it with me or when im scared i think of what you would say to me if i called you but i never pick up the phone or when i have good news it almost seems useless because i cant share it with you. i left you because i was too scared to tell you that everytime i said you’re my best friend i really meant i love you and everytime i got mad or jealous was because i wanted you to be mine but i guess i felt like you’d never be mine because why would someone as perfect as you ever want me. i wanted to give you the world but i felt like even if i did you still would never love me and she would still be prettier and i’d still just be your best friend. i didnt fuck you i made love to you and maybe for you i was just another number but to me you made me feel important like i was different and somehow better. every single time someone called me fat i remember how you loved every single roll on my body and everytime someone called me hot i remember how you’d call me beautiful with that fucking smile on your face fuck what im trying to say is when you say i left you, i didnt leave you i was just tired of falling asleep crying because i wanted you next to me and i was tired of having to pretend i never loved you. i cover up everything with my 15 year old boyfriend because it’s easier that way, since i met you i forgot what he even looks like. people ask me how i got over him and i say it took time but honestly it was that night we were coming home from our first night at that motel and i remember when we were driving back and i looked out the window and for the first time i felt love for someone and thats how i knew id probably love you forever but i was never going to let you kill me like he did, i was not going to be weak enough for you to take control of me so i put up a wall just incase you decided to leave so i wouldnt be as hurt as the first time around. i left you for the simple reason that i love you and i didnt want to tell you because i was scared of how you’d react and fuck i didnt want to hear you say you didnt love me back or maybe you did but you didnt want to tell me i dont fucking know. just know i never left you i was trying to say i love you so fucking much in the most fucked up way. i was scared i was so fucking scared of losing you and getting hurt that i left because when i knew how much love i had for you i didnt want to lose you so i thought if you lost me it wouldnt hurt as much. but im the one who lost the most i lost the one guy i’ll probably always love.
There’s so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn’t. There’s a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn’t need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love. Not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don’t romanticize life like you can’t survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn’t any less beautiful, I promise.
